Hammer & Fist

By Arianna “Blue” Allen

They say, “Hard times create strong men,” and I must wonder if suffering only counts if it is at another man’s hand. Weak men make weak fathers and raise weak sons, so someone along my family line must have tripped, fallen, and only got up after someone saw. Every scar is self-inflicted when you don’t care enough to avoid the pain, when you need to feel it to make sure there are still things to feel. Break, collect, rebuild. Break, collect, rebuild. You must pick up the pieces before they scatter. Before the wind takes them and they are trampled. Before you lose yourself in the crowd, lost in the sea of faces, hopes, and dreams, until it reaches the point where you never really knew what you were searching for in the first place because there is no “you,” not really, just a man who can’t afford to search anymore. Break, collect, rebuild. Break, collect, rebuild. Strike out any impurities. Mold yourself not into what is wanted but what is needed. Become a tool. There are problems you created that you must solve. Fight. Bleed. Die. That is your purpose, what you were brought into this world for. Not to be loved. Not to be cherished. But to protect. If you do that right, maybe you can lower your fist, stop fighting, drop the hammer, and rest. Break, collect, rebuild. Break, collect, rebuild.

Arianna “Blue” Allen is a black and queer high school student. Both an author and poet, Blue’s poems are used as a way of expressing their struggles with their identity as a nonbinary trans person.